I Wonder as I Ponder

I know it says in the Bible not to envy others, and when I think about it, I don't think I'm doing that. But there is something about listening to people talk who know what their purpose in life is and who are doing it which I admire. And it leaves me wondering what am I supposed to be doing?

Chances are I have it figured out on some level, but as some people I know will probably attest to, I'm pretty good at second-guessing my motives and such until I'm not sure which way is up. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a good excuse to not do anything -- you know, if I don't go anywhere or try anything then I can't fail/mess it up/get it wrong.

Then, as it so often happens, a song lyric pops into my head, popping me out of a potential funk:

". . . then laugh at my mistakes
‘cause they're only lessons I’ve learned."
*~ Paul Brandt, "Risk"

Great. Way to change my perspective on things again.

I'm only kidding -- it really is a good thing to have one's perspective changed.

I guess part of my problem is I do get so caught up in my own things, the things I want to do and like to do that I don't take the time to get caught up God and His things and the things He wants me to do. The fleshly part of me fears giving up something I like (which is incredibly selfish, I know); but the non-fleshly parts chafe at this, I think, and I wonder when will I be able to say with certainty "Here is what my purpose is, and here I am doing it."

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
*~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJ)

:-P

There are moments/days/many times when I can *so* identify with the Apostle Paul and his lament of doing the things he knew he shouldn't be doing while not doing the things he knew he should be doing.

:-P

And that is really all I can muster on that right now as I really do need to get to bed.

Blargh.

No Forwarding Address

Sometimes I wish life had a rewind button so you could go back and do things like delete unkind words or make a better choice when faced with going out for lunch or getting some extra work done at the office.

Then I have to go and listen to a song which contains the following lyrics:

It's time for letting go
All of our 'if onlys'
'Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
'Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

*~ "Miracle of the Moment", Steven Curtis Chapman

Yeah, I know -- way to all be encouraged when I felt a really good pout or, at the very least, a good hissy fit coming on.

;-P

But seriously -- I have had friends leave my life either by mutual agreement (spoken or not) or by a unilateral one by myself or them (again, spoken or not) or it was a case of us simply drifting apart as time or 'things' or changes in direction occured. Some I have been okay with. Other times I have fought to keep the friendship going (even pleading for the relationship to remain). Sadly, there are even time where I have been indifferent.

And I could go and change all those things if I successfully built a time machine. If I could, though, would it be the right thing to do?

In Paul's letter to the Roman church, he wrote ". . . all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

All things, eh?

Hmm.

So God can use all my missteps and blunders and use them to work together for good? (Don't forget, though, this only happens when we allow Him to do so. God won't override our free wills.)

It sort of boggles the mind, quite frankly. (Though God is quite good at that, isn't He? I mean, a bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, yet it does!)

So to all the friends I've loved and lost: I'm sorry for where I have done things (intentional or not) to hurt you. I forgive you for the things you've done (intentionally or not) that have hurt me. And if our friendship was only meant to be for a season, then I hope we both received the good God intended for us both to have (even if it looked to be anything but good at the time).

And to my two bestest friends:

Jesus -- You have given me so much and anything I can give You seems so paltry in comparison. And often times, is is paltry and 'meh' and sad. Yet Your love for me doesn't change and it is this love, this goodness, which works in me to change for the better.

My husband -- I'm so glad we started out as friends before we became a couple. I think it was a God-given opportunity for us to build a good foundation. I hope I'm half the support and blessing you are to me. I love you!