Insert Insult of Choice [Here]

"Oh, but human beings
We all need to quit being inhumane."
-- Relient K's I Just Want You to Know

Yargh!!

Sometimes as people we do some pretty crappy (Sorry -- no good words due to a lack of Pathwords playing! heehee) things to each other. Like taking credit for things we didn't do. Excluding people to make ourselves feel 'bigger' or 'better'. Name calling. Insults.

Murder.

Gossiping.

Lying.

Oh, it's quite a long litany if one takes any sort of a look at the sad state of the human race! Even when it's not an election year! (I may be the only one who finds that funny.)

Thankfully, though, we don't have to rely on ourselves to see, listen to, and speak about the good things around us. We all have the choice as to whether or not we'll accept the amazingly free gift God has given to us through Jesus Christ -- eternal life spent with Him when we confess Jesus is our resurrected Saviour and Lord. And when we become Christians, Christ-followers, we are then given the gift of the Holy Spirit. He then enables us to live the Christian life. He is our Helper who speaks to us the things He hears from the Father. And that is pretty great when one thinks about it. God, giving us life and giving us all we need to live it for Him.

Will we lay hold of His provision? Or insist on muddling through it on our own?

Just a few things to ponder, along with why I watch what I do on TV.

But it's time to shut the thinker down and get some sleep. I don't need my furry alarm clock to poke me awake tomorrow morning. ^..^

Less Than I Was Meant to Be

And if I had to tell you the truth
I'm afraid I'd have to say
That after all I've done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be
-- “What Life Would be Like” by Big Daddy Weave

I don’t always handle criticism or stress or correction well, which is too bad as it seems to have been a year full of those things. From sickness to seemingly unanswered prayers (until one looks back, even a bit, and sees God’s provision) to questions about faith to job changes to just, well, life I find myself longing at times for something ordinary. Something right in the middle of my comfort zone, if you will.

I honestly thought I was praying with real, working faith for my husband during the ‘please get this checked out’ in October ’07 all the way through to the doctor’s blunt ‘it’s cancer’ in early March ‘08. Really, I thought I was. I thought I was thinking right, believing right, confessing right . . . doing what I needed to do so the hand of God would move, so His healing provision would be seen and manifested in my husband’s body. As I later called my family to tell them the news, I can still remember tearfully telling my mom as she encouraged me to pray and have faith “But I thought I did have faith.” Right then I wasn’t so sure. And there have been times since then where I wonder if I do or did or ever will. I don’t want to doubt. I don’t want to be faithless. But I struggle with knowing if I’m truly praying with a faith that is going to do something. How can I tell? How do I know before something ‘big’ happens?

My husband did share with me shortly after the report we did not want to hear a word from God our pastor shared with him. The situation we were in was not because of something we had done. And my husband, knowing how I can be, encouraged me to be encouraged as well by that word. So I clung to it. At times, I think my grasp slipped. Then I would find myself reaching for it again like a life preserver in the stormy sea we found ourselves in and holding on all the more.

We were done with the chemotherapy in June. My husband returned to work part-time and then full-time. And just before we were set to go on summer holidays, just when I thought the rest of the year would be smoother, I found out the place I work at was being shut down at the end of September.

Time to look for a new job. And there, God provided again. But there is still the stress of trying to finish up a job that is going on longer than planned so I can start a new one. And I know I have not been faithful or the most diligent in my prayer life, Bible study, ministry, housework, writing and many other things I could list if there was the space and the time. Even as I try to be and to do what God has made me to be and to do, I still feel as if I’m missing the mark. And it’s hard. I’m trying to see the positive, to see where there’s fruit and not get bogged down by dead branches and weeds.

In short, I need to get my focus off of me and more firmly onto Jesus so He can work in me. So I can be what He meant for me to be. It’s a life-long process if I understand it correctly.

I pray for the strength to make it through to the end.

P.S. I just skimmed my last entry. I realize I may be whining and contradicting myself or something . . . but this is where I find myself at this moment. >_<