Authentically Unoriginal

I recently heard some things (very good things, by the way) about authenticity, about how nothing we do is truly original.  We’ve all stolen something from somewhere, added maybe a dash or two of ‘us’ to the mix and then ran with it, whether it be a story or our personas, our faith or our songs.  The idea is not to be ‘original’, but rather to be authentic as people and as Christians.

“There is nothing new under the sun,” wrote the Preacher in Ecclesiastes 1:9, and he was – and is – right.  In my own life, I only have to look at many of the stories I have written.  As much as I may like to think they 100% fresh, new, never-before-penned ideas, I know such is not the case.  I’ve taken bits from television shows, movies, other stories, songs, and even real life, added hopefully a bit of me to the mix, and then put pen to page (and more often, fingers to keyboard), dashing away to a place I hope others will follow me to.

My faith has (and is) being built in a similar way.  I didn’t come into it all on my own. There are the pastors and teachers, family members and friends, strangers and even fictional characters who have helped shape and mold my view of God, His kingdom and His ways.  Much of it, I believe, has been good and right and true.  Some of it is distorted*.  And all of it comes together to make my faith, well, my faith.  It’s sort of like a patchwork quilt.  Bits and pieces are collected, stitched together, cut out if necessary and scrapped while something new is added in.

So it may not be original, the things that we do.  But may they be real, may they be something worth imitating.  And may they even be something worth stealing.

*My aim is not to point fingers.  As I mentioned in a previous post, sometimes I simply don’t hear what is really being said.

Wondering Wanderings

I have mentioned in the past I have felt like a Supreme Waffler in matters of faith.  One moment I’m fine with saying, “You know what?  I have faith for XYZ, and that’s okay.  It’s cool.”  But then I’m in a room with people with big, move-entire-mountain-ranges-into-the-sea faith, and I wonder . . . I ponder . . . I (dare I say it?) . . . I doubt.  Not so much in God’s Word or His provisions.  I mean, He’s God – He doesn’t mess things up!  No, it’s more a question of what I’m missing that is keeping mountains from moving (Matthew 17:20) and trees from uprooting (Luke 17:6).

Too often I forget the following:

I realize how kind God has been to me, and so I tell each of you not to think

 you are better than you really are.  Use good sense and measure yourself by

 the amount of faith that God has given you.

~ Romans 12:3 (CEV)

It could very well be, then, that God has given me a measure of faith not the same as the mountain-movers and tree-uprooters.  And there isn’t anything wrong with that.  I’m not bad or evil because I have questions, either.  The thing is to acknowledge them, to look for answers, and to be okay when I’m not finding the sought-for answers.  (At least not yet.  Because I believe one day I’ll see the whole picture and it will make sense.)  My faith will only grow when I move out of my comfortable, having-answers zone, as I hope for and believe for those things that are not yet here in a tangible form.

So it was with thoughts like this in mind that I picked up the book O Me of Little Faith: True Confessions of a Spiritual Weakling by Jason Boyett.  I read it in the days after my mom’s heart surgery when I was filled with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, and found a great deal of hope and comfort in reading of someone else’s struggles and questions as he tries to wrap his finite mind around an infinite God.  And I highlighted things like “Faith is . . . believing God will arrive, even if you can barely hear his song right now” and “Jesus doesn’t show up where he’s expected . . . He appears in places we hadn’t thought to look before” and held in my heart the encouragement to keep on keeping on even when my ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ are left hanging in the air.  Now Boyett doesn’t’ say “Hey, everyone!  Doubt!  You’ll be more spiritual!”  That would be crazy talk.  But he does write openly and honestly (with some very funny footnotes) about his own journey.  And through his honesty, I found an answer or two along with a great deal of hope for this journey we’re all on.

I have questions.  I don’t have all the answers.  And sometimes it feels as though the One who does have the answers is silent.  But I’m learning that’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I stop moving.  It means I light another candle of hope and keep moving towards the One who promises that while I may stumble and falter He will never lose His grip on me (Psalm 37:24).

Somewhere Between Here and There

In reading over my previous two blog entries and doing my best to make an honest evaluation of what I truly have the faith to believe for in that regards, I have got to thinking that I, spiritually, look like this:

 Now I don’t want to be so narcissistic (or become a megalomaniac-in-training) that I would even dare to suggest that I alone can tip the scale away from ‘miraculous healing’ to ‘divine provision even through surgery and recovery’ for my mom.  But I do feel like I’m waffling between the faith I presently do have and the faith I would like to have.  Then I wonder if this means I am lacking in faith and double-minded in my ways (James 1:6-8). Am I praying with a lack of confidence in God and His promises? And when Jesus said ‘according to your faith, be it unto you’, was that strictly in reference to the faith of the person being prayed for or the people doing the praying for/with the person asking for healing? Or do I need to simply acknowledge this is the measure of faith I have at present (Romans 12:3)?  But then I need to remind myself to not stop there, but to allow that faith to be built up by praying in the Spirit (Jude 1:20).  Maybe I’m not waffling as much as trying to flex and strengthen some spiritual muscles, as it were. 

So many questions . . . and I need to start digging for some answers.

My husband and I were talking last night about faith in regards to healing and God’s will and His promises and the fact we heard explained at Bible study how God is, literally, outside of time.  What we measure in centuries and seconds, He is not constrained by.  It doesn’t worry Him or limit Him.  And it’s hard to wrap our finite minds around an infinite being. 

All of the above ramblings, I suppose, are to say where I stand in regards to Mom’s surgery has not really shifted from Monday’s position.  I most certainly do want to grow in my faith. But I’m not going to beat myself up for where I am presently, either.  After all, if I’m not honest about that then how can I really move forward and grow?

(And on a side note, all this talk of waffling has me craving waffles.  With syrup. )

Stirred

 It’s not that I have some sort of insight into the future regarding exactly what the days ahead hold for my mom, but I do have a hope and expectancy I have not had in a while.  And for anyone who was at the same prayer meeting I was tonight, how could you not have been stirred up?  Pretty powerful stuff! 

God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever

Imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

-        Ephesians 3:20 (Message)

It can be far too easy to forget in impossible situations that I serve a God who specializes in impossibilities.  He parts seas, heals the blind, causes previously crippled legs to jump and dance, raises the dead . . . He has and does and will do so much.  Big.  Small.  Whatever it is, for Him it’s never impossible.  And because of this we really can give thanks in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18). 

Calm & Carrying On

“We would never learn to be brave and patient

if there were only joy in the world.”

-- Helen Keller

 I’ll just come right out and say it:  My mom is having open-heart surgery to replace her aortic valve this coming Friday.  Long-ish story short, she had been having chest pains off-and-on for a while, and hasn’t left the hospital since Dad took her to emergency three weeks ago to find out what was going on.  A narrowed aortic valve is the ‘what’ and its replacement is what the medical professionals have deemed necessary.  And while it is a relief, especially for Mom, to know she will have her energy and stamina back once all is said and done, it’s the part in-between there and now that are, I think, helping us all cultivate some bravery, patience, and stronger faith. 

I would love to say with certainty my mom won’t need surgery, that God will yet miraculously heal her.  But the words Jesus spoke to two blind men – “According to your faith, be it unto you” (Matthew 9:29) – are as applicable now as they were then.  So we pray and trust the surgery will go off without a hitch and the recovery process will be a complete and speedy one.  That is what my parents have faith for, and that doesn’t make them weak Christians or any such thing.  It is what it is, and while that sounds simplistic, there is no point in fretting over any ‘what ifs’ .

Plus, none of what is happening or what is to come has thrown God for a loop.  Something a friend posted on Facebook last week expresses it well: 

He knows the beginning from the end.
He is not worried. He is not anxious. He does not wonder. He is not panicking.
He is not dealing with today's uncertainty. He is not guessing what will happen.

He knows how it will all turn out. He has a plan. He made a way.

 

 God has made a way.  Our every need is provided for (Philippians 4:19).  And that is more than enough as we traverse this particular path. 

Less Than I Was Meant to Be

And if I had to tell you the truth
I'm afraid I'd have to say
That after all I've done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be
-- “What Life Would be Like” by Big Daddy Weave

I don’t always handle criticism or stress or correction well, which is too bad as it seems to have been a year full of those things. From sickness to seemingly unanswered prayers (until one looks back, even a bit, and sees God’s provision) to questions about faith to job changes to just, well, life I find myself longing at times for something ordinary. Something right in the middle of my comfort zone, if you will.

I honestly thought I was praying with real, working faith for my husband during the ‘please get this checked out’ in October ’07 all the way through to the doctor’s blunt ‘it’s cancer’ in early March ‘08. Really, I thought I was. I thought I was thinking right, believing right, confessing right . . . doing what I needed to do so the hand of God would move, so His healing provision would be seen and manifested in my husband’s body. As I later called my family to tell them the news, I can still remember tearfully telling my mom as she encouraged me to pray and have faith “But I thought I did have faith.” Right then I wasn’t so sure. And there have been times since then where I wonder if I do or did or ever will. I don’t want to doubt. I don’t want to be faithless. But I struggle with knowing if I’m truly praying with a faith that is going to do something. How can I tell? How do I know before something ‘big’ happens?

My husband did share with me shortly after the report we did not want to hear a word from God our pastor shared with him. The situation we were in was not because of something we had done. And my husband, knowing how I can be, encouraged me to be encouraged as well by that word. So I clung to it. At times, I think my grasp slipped. Then I would find myself reaching for it again like a life preserver in the stormy sea we found ourselves in and holding on all the more.

We were done with the chemotherapy in June. My husband returned to work part-time and then full-time. And just before we were set to go on summer holidays, just when I thought the rest of the year would be smoother, I found out the place I work at was being shut down at the end of September.

Time to look for a new job. And there, God provided again. But there is still the stress of trying to finish up a job that is going on longer than planned so I can start a new one. And I know I have not been faithful or the most diligent in my prayer life, Bible study, ministry, housework, writing and many other things I could list if there was the space and the time. Even as I try to be and to do what God has made me to be and to do, I still feel as if I’m missing the mark. And it’s hard. I’m trying to see the positive, to see where there’s fruit and not get bogged down by dead branches and weeds.

In short, I need to get my focus off of me and more firmly onto Jesus so He can work in me. So I can be what He meant for me to be. It’s a life-long process if I understand it correctly.

I pray for the strength to make it through to the end.

P.S. I just skimmed my last entry. I realize I may be whining and contradicting myself or something . . . but this is where I find myself at this moment. >_<