Late Night Musings

At the time it frustrates me and later on it sort of amuses me that when I'm upset about something (no matter how serious or trivial) and I am told to just relax how hard it can be to do just that. Then I try to get away so I can collect myself and people just want to keep talking while I'm thinking "Let me take my moment alone, please!! I feel like enough of a tool at the moment, so yeah . . . I'd like to hide now!"

As a friend of mine said, "We're wired how we're wired", so I guess we will all butt heads on ocassion as we each try to deal with things or help a situation along in the way we feel is best. But still . . .

And why is it we can so easily give advice but not receive the very same advice when it's given back to us? Or is that just me?

Then we ask God to "change me" so "I'm more like Jesus". Then when He uses various situations and people to point out the things that need changing, we act like a petulant child or think we're under enemy attack or something so as to avoid (fruitlessly, really) to allow the master Carpenter to smooth out the rough spots and soften jagged edges.

We humans are a crazy bunch if you think about, so full are we of contradictions and conflicting desires and the like. Yet knowing how all over the map we can be, God still sent His Son to die for each and every one of us and *then* raise Him from the dead so we could come into a real relationship with Him both now and for eternity.

Pretty awesome, no?

Now I really am going to go to bed. ;-)

I Wonder as I Ponder

I know it says in the Bible not to envy others, and when I think about it, I don't think I'm doing that. But there is something about listening to people talk who know what their purpose in life is and who are doing it which I admire. And it leaves me wondering what am I supposed to be doing?

Chances are I have it figured out on some level, but as some people I know will probably attest to, I'm pretty good at second-guessing my motives and such until I'm not sure which way is up. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a good excuse to not do anything -- you know, if I don't go anywhere or try anything then I can't fail/mess it up/get it wrong.

Then, as it so often happens, a song lyric pops into my head, popping me out of a potential funk:

". . . then laugh at my mistakes
‘cause they're only lessons I’ve learned."
*~ Paul Brandt, "Risk"

Great. Way to change my perspective on things again.

I'm only kidding -- it really is a good thing to have one's perspective changed.

I guess part of my problem is I do get so caught up in my own things, the things I want to do and like to do that I don't take the time to get caught up God and His things and the things He wants me to do. The fleshly part of me fears giving up something I like (which is incredibly selfish, I know); but the non-fleshly parts chafe at this, I think, and I wonder when will I be able to say with certainty "Here is what my purpose is, and here I am doing it."

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
*~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJ)

:-P

There are moments/days/many times when I can *so* identify with the Apostle Paul and his lament of doing the things he knew he shouldn't be doing while not doing the things he knew he should be doing.

:-P

And that is really all I can muster on that right now as I really do need to get to bed.

Blargh.

No Forwarding Address

Sometimes I wish life had a rewind button so you could go back and do things like delete unkind words or make a better choice when faced with going out for lunch or getting some extra work done at the office.

Then I have to go and listen to a song which contains the following lyrics:

It's time for letting go
All of our 'if onlys'
'Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
'Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

*~ "Miracle of the Moment", Steven Curtis Chapman

Yeah, I know -- way to all be encouraged when I felt a really good pout or, at the very least, a good hissy fit coming on.

;-P

But seriously -- I have had friends leave my life either by mutual agreement (spoken or not) or by a unilateral one by myself or them (again, spoken or not) or it was a case of us simply drifting apart as time or 'things' or changes in direction occured. Some I have been okay with. Other times I have fought to keep the friendship going (even pleading for the relationship to remain). Sadly, there are even time where I have been indifferent.

And I could go and change all those things if I successfully built a time machine. If I could, though, would it be the right thing to do?

In Paul's letter to the Roman church, he wrote ". . . all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

All things, eh?

Hmm.

So God can use all my missteps and blunders and use them to work together for good? (Don't forget, though, this only happens when we allow Him to do so. God won't override our free wills.)

It sort of boggles the mind, quite frankly. (Though God is quite good at that, isn't He? I mean, a bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, yet it does!)

So to all the friends I've loved and lost: I'm sorry for where I have done things (intentional or not) to hurt you. I forgive you for the things you've done (intentionally or not) that have hurt me. And if our friendship was only meant to be for a season, then I hope we both received the good God intended for us both to have (even if it looked to be anything but good at the time).

And to my two bestest friends:

Jesus -- You have given me so much and anything I can give You seems so paltry in comparison. And often times, is is paltry and 'meh' and sad. Yet Your love for me doesn't change and it is this love, this goodness, which works in me to change for the better.

My husband -- I'm so glad we started out as friends before we became a couple. I think it was a God-given opportunity for us to build a good foundation. I hope I'm half the support and blessing you are to me. I love you!

The More I Know You, The More I . . . Hate You?

Idioms -- you gotta love them.

Take "Familiarity breeds contempt".

What is basically being said here is "The more I get to know you, the more I find to dislike about you." Or to go by the handy little explanation I found via Google:

This means that the more you know something or someone, the more you start to find faults and dislike things about it or them.

It's sort of sad when you think about it . . . especially when you think about how often *you* find more faults with people the longer you know them.

Though it is easy, isn't it, to find faults in or with others?

"I would enjoy the song service at church so much more if Person X didn't sing so loudly or off-key . . ."

"I would have an easier time of things if my spouse were more helpful . . ."

"Well, if Person B wasn't such a meanie-head, bitter and negative to boot, then I would still . . ."

Yes, we're a sorry bunch, aren't we? Which is why Jesus admonished us to take the logs out of our own eyes before dealing with the specks (talk about discrepancies, eh?) in another's eye (Matthew 7:1-5).

I've heard it said many times the things which bug us the most in other people are the very things we do ourselves, which has led to a bit of an epiphany for me, I think. Lets look at the things that bug us about other people and rather than judge or write off or try to 'fix' the fault, use that person as a mirror of sorts to look at yourself -- to see the log blocking your own vision. But don't stop there (because sometimes we do, telling ourselves and others "That's just the way I am!")! Tell God you have this nasty huge log in your eye. You know it's wrong, He knows it's wrong, and no one is fooling anybody. Then give it to Him. Allow Him to get it out (He has very steady hands!) and then be prepared to see like you've never seen before.

Maybe then the person with the speck will allow you to help them get rid of it -- they'll trust you to seeing as how you're not about to whack them in the head with a log.

Something to think about, eh?

I'm Done!!!!!

There are five exclamation points up there for a very good reason.

I'VE FINISHED MY NOVEL WRITING COURSE!!!!!

The ironic thing is when I began blogging after a hiatus (ha, ha), the purpose was to write about my experiences with said course. Then I ended up perfecting my procrastinating skills (which I'm now trying to 'unperfect') and then I heard you're not supposed to say things such as "I'm blogging today about . . ." and that idea was out the window. So, yeah.

My diploma is on the way. Now to finish the novel!

Go Left . . . No, Right . . . Wait a Second . . .

". . . your eyes shall see your teachers. Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," . . ."

~~ Isaiah 30: 20c, 21a (NKJ)

It can be hard, figuring out which way to go. Especially if you, like myself, are directionally impaired. May I always remember the day when I was to meet my grandmother at the local mall. Wanting to be sure I met her at the right set of doors, I asked if she would be by the doors at the adjoining grocery store, to which she replied she would be at the west doors. I naively asked her if those were by the grocery store. She replied she would be at the west doors. We went back and forth for a bit before I said "I'll see you there". Through my awesome logic (see October's 'Bye, Little Snat), I correctly deduced a busload of senior citizens would be dropped off at the doors by the grocery store (and, coincidentally, the west ones).

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the same thing with God and His Holy Spirit. There He is, telling me "Go here!" And I'm all "Over there? Is it that by that thing?" And He repeats "Go here!" becasue, really, I should be able to see it and know it. But I allow the cares of this world to drag me down or tie me up and I'm just not seeing it until I finally just let all the unnecessary stuff fall away and oh, hello! There is where I'm supposed to be.

And it may even be right by the grocery store.