Thursday, January 27, 2011

Somewhere Between Here and There

In reading over my previous two blog entries and doing my best to make an honest evaluation of what I truly have the faith to believe for in that regards, I have got to thinking that I, spiritually, look like this:

 Now I don’t want to be so narcissistic (or become a megalomaniac-in-training) that I would even dare to suggest that I alone can tip the scale away from ‘miraculous healing’ to ‘divine provision even through surgery and recovery’ for my mom.  But I do feel like I’m waffling between the faith I presently do have and the faith I would like to have.  Then I wonder if this means I am lacking in faith and double-minded in my ways (James 1:6-8). Am I praying with a lack of confidence in God and His promises? And when Jesus said ‘according to your faith, be it unto you’, was that strictly in reference to the faith of the person being prayed for or the people doing the praying for/with the person asking for healing? Or do I need to simply acknowledge this is the measure of faith I have at present (Romans 12:3)?  But then I need to remind myself to not stop there, but to allow that faith to be built up by praying in the Spirit (Jude 1:20).  Maybe I’m not waffling as much as trying to flex and strengthen some spiritual muscles, as it were. 

So many questions . . . and I need to start digging for some answers.

My husband and I were talking last night about faith in regards to healing and God’s will and His promises and the fact we heard explained at Bible study how God is, literally, outside of time.  What we measure in centuries and seconds, He is not constrained by.  It doesn’t worry Him or limit Him.  And it’s hard to wrap our finite minds around an infinite being. 

All of the above ramblings, I suppose, are to say where I stand in regards to Mom’s surgery has not really shifted from Monday’s position.  I most certainly do want to grow in my faith. But I’m not going to beat myself up for where I am presently, either.  After all, if I’m not honest about that then how can I really move forward and grow?

(And on a side note, all this talk of waffling has me craving waffles.  With syrup. )

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