Musings on Finishing

"Winning isn't always finishing first.

Sometimes winning is just finishing."

~ Manuel Diotte

photo © 2009 Justin See (coming back) | more info (via: Wylio)
I'm a pretty great list maker.

My 'to lists' are generally neat and tidy.  They are not overly long and if I can, I'll use brightly coloured ink on a crisp piece of paper or a fun font on the computer to make things look pretty.  And while there is not always a sequential order to the tasks listed, there is something very satisfying about seeing a list of goals or tasks waiting for me to put a tick beside them marking them as completed.

I wish I saw more ticks.  (Not the nasty, literally-get-under-your-skin kind; I mean the pen or pencil check-mark kind.)

No, I'm not a very good list finisher.

I recycle more goals and 'to do' lists than most bottle depots do bottles during a long, hot summer.  It's crazy.  But I've really been trying as of late to a) not look at former lists as 'things I have failed to do' and b)look more at where I need to go from here to get to where I want to be while hoping I'm staying in God's will for my life.  In other words, I'm trying to change my mindset so I can become a better list finisher.  If I'm constantly berating myself for what I haven't finished then I'm not moving forward.  I need to accept that, yes, I messed up but it's not the end of the world.  While I still have breath and life, there is an opportunity to pick myself back up and to keep going.

It's good to have goals, and it's necessary to write them down.  It adds concreteness to things; it makes them more than just dreams from a cloudy day.  But there also needs to be accountability, something to help keep you on track, to keep you going when the road ahead looks like a long, tiring climb up a steep and rocky trail.  And the same thing won't work for every goal in every situation.  Sometimes I can push through a sticky spot in the next blog entry by promising myself some time to read a new book.  But that tactic wouldn't have worked in regards to picking up my strength-training program after petering out on it last week.  For that I had to remind myself I have people to report my success (or failure) to at the end of the month.  There is definitely trial-and-error involved in pushing through to the finish line.

What about you?  How to you push through the dips or tough spots when working towards a goal?

Bits of the Picture

The clock is ticking, the cursor is blinking in my Word document, and I’m sorting through a few things (or trying to) as I sip at a cup of herbal tea.  So far, nothing has gelled into a cohesive entry.  And I don’t blame the lack of caffeine, as I normally don’t have my first cup until I start my office job after lunch.

No, it’s something simpler.

Today I decided for the first time in about a week and a half (not including weekends) to not get up early to write.  I didn’t prime the pump, as it were, and I’m sort of regretting it.  I don’t 100% regret it, mind you, as having a good night’s sleep was great (I’m still working on the getting to bed earlier bit) and I got a good number of things done this morning.  Brought the car in for an oil change, got some groceries, started some laundry, that sort of thing. 

But I do regret my later rising a bit.  Did I choose ‘happiness now’ over ‘happiness later’?  I would say so, yes.  At the same time, I’m sorting through some things I have been learning the past little while in church.  Things such as not pursuing happiness over pursuing truth, rekindling a hunger and desire for God and godly things, ways in which others and myself are intelligent (‘It’s not how intelligent are you,’ my notes read, ‘but how are you intelligent?’).  As such, I’m wondering for perhaps for the bazillionith time if I’m in God’s will or if I’m merely trying to get Him to bless my will.  But, thankfully, even with such questions bouncing around I’m not doing what I would normally do, which would be nothing or close to nothing while waiting for a TBD sign from the heavens as to what to do next.

Because I do know some things which I should never quit doing, thanks to the pastors and teachers I get to learn from on a regular basis – things such as seeking God, worshipping Him and talking to Him, reading my Bible, serving others.

And as Steven Furtick wrote in his April 14/11 blog entry, it’s often in the midst of doing those things we find the other answers we are looking for.  After all, Jesus called His disciples while they were busy in their ‘everyday’ tasks.  God came to talk to Gideon while he was threshing wheat, Elisha was plowing a field when Elijah found and began to disciple him. 

So who knows when God will reveal the next step to you and to me?

Further Musing or Two of an Uncaffeinated Mind

 If you don’t create change,

change will create you.

~Anon.

It’s interesting how when you start hearing about an idea or concept, you’re suddenly hearing about it everywhere and thinking about it a lot more.  Or how you can hear about something for probably years when suddenly it’s expressed in such a way that it clicks inside of you and you have your ‘Now I get it!” moment.  Or maybe you finally hear what’s being said properly, clearly and it’s like someone threw the switch in a previously dark room. 

Such things have been happening to me recently in regards to living life on purpose vs. simply letting life happen to me, as it were.  And some times my focus is where it ought to be, too, so I don’t become self-serving, where the temporary weights and struggles of self-discipline are borne with grace.  Other times I choose ‘happiness now’ over ‘happiness later’ only to later struggle beneath the much-heavier weight of regret. 

There are many things to weigh and consider and ponder, times of prayer and reflection and meditation and honesty that are required to take initiative and to live life in such a way that (as clichéd Gandhi’s words may be) we are the change we want to see in the world. It takes work and effort, it means getting back up and dusting ourselves off no matter how many times we fall.  But I do believe, in the end, we will find it to have been worth it.

Not Stupid

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself – some Christian fiction drives me crazy.  I have read many stories about people who as soon as they decide to become Christians never make another wrong decision or do another stupid thing in their lives.  They are completely selfless, respond correctly in every situation, never complain, and are never frustrated about anything or anyone.  They never become distracted by the things in this world or snap at their spouse or children, bosses or coworkers.  They are martyrs and saints walking among us mere mortals, awing us all with their wisdom and grace.   

Now I don’t mean to belittle these authors or the characters they have created and the stories they have told.  Honestly, it’s good to have ideals and goals and a picture of how great things can be if we would all really do what the Bible says.  And for the most part, I have enjoyed reading these stories, even if I have felt inadequate in a few or several areas of my life when I’m done reading.  Because there are times, too, where I have honestly been spurred on to do better in my own life by the time I’ve reached the last page.

But I don’t think I’m wired to write such stories . . . or not very many of them at any rate.

And that has got me to thinking the story ideas I have bouncing around in my head, in my heart, aren’t all necessarily stupid, pointless bits of fluff.  That I can use them to encourage others and maybe make them laugh or go “Hey, I do that too!” Maybe I can make them think about something new or help them to see the part of God I was made to reflect.  And maybe even give them some time away from some hard (or simply ‘not great’) circumstances in their own lives via some silly fluff.  (I like to think of it as hot chocolate with whipped cream for the soul.)

We’re all wired in unique ways, with a combination of gifts, talents, abilities and interests no other person has in the exact same measure.  So rather than look at how we’re not measuring up to what someone else is doing, we (and I!) need to keep our focus on God, to go where He would lead us and to let Him use us – rough edges and all.  After all, Jesus didn’t pick twelve perfect men to be his followers.  One was a bit of a loudmouth, another was a thief and His betrayer, and two others were more concerned with getting good seats by Jesus in heaven. 

And this pattern is seen time and again in the Bible – Samson had a weakness for pretty ladies; David took another man’s wife; Moses insisted he could not do what God was asking him to do; Jonah literally tried to run away from the call of God; the apostle Paul, while he was still Saul, was very zealous for God but was missing the mark.  All imperfect people, all with dreams, and all used by God.

It’s like my pastor says – God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.  But here’s a footnote – He does use the uniqueness of each person to fulfill that calling as well.  David’s time as a shepherd gave him a unique perspective as a king.  Saul-then-Paul’s zealousness was a force to be reckoned with when he properly directed it.  And God can use our uniqueness, too.  He put it all in there, after all.  It’s not silly nor is it stupid.  The key, I think, is to not waste it or use it selfishly. 

Musing of an Uncaffeinated Mind

It’s 6:11 a.m. as I begin to type this, and I point it out for no great reason, other than to illustrate it really is on the early side and I really have not yet had any time for a cup of coffee.  I need to be at work in less than two hours, I still need to get ready for said work, and it would really be swell to eat a proper breakfast before tackling another day.

So why up so early when I can barely string a coherent sentence together and I had to look up how to spell ‘uncaffeinated’?

Because in order for me to get what I want, where I want, I need to become someone other than a snooze-button pusher who barely leaves myself the necessary time some mornings to get out the door in good time.

I need to learn the secret to being selfish . 

5:30 a.m., may we meet for real tomorrow (with some coffee).  

La-la-la! I Can't Hear You!

I know a man who once was told God wanted to heal him of his hurts.  “The Holy Spirit,” said the prophet visiting our church that day, “says you are a candidate for healing.”  And I remember being very excited for that man when I heard those words spoken to him.  But I later learned that is not what that man heard.  What he heard was this:

“You are bad.”  As in ‘stuff is wrong with you and it needs to be fixed, you bad person, you’. 

One person heard words of hope and help.  The other heard words of guilt and condemnation. 

Funny, eh?

Now before anyone (myself included) is tempted to run off and say how silly that is and possibly sad and how they would never do anything like that, I would caution you (and me) to plant the feet and zip the lips.  Then take an honest inventory of any time when you know the words you heard and the words that were actually said or truly implied by those words did not match up.

I was struggling with such words recently.  I heard good, honest words about how it’s better to read the Bible than fictional novels not as ‘God’s Word is life and health and good for you, so read it often!’ but as ‘you wanting to write fiction is stupid and a waste of time.’

Then, oh-so-self-centeredly, I heard words meant to encourage another as a discouragement to me.  “You’re not really smart,” I heard, “you only think you are, you show-off.”  (A bit of time and a chat with my husband helped me see I was really just being silly with that one.  And oh yeah – it’s not all about me, either.  Whew!)

The thing is it’s easy to say something to a room full of people and have each one hear something different.  As I’m learning and seeing, our respective circumstances, our experiences, our baggage, colours how we see and hear things.  It’s like the kid who had an ‘okay’ or a terrible or absolutely no relationship with his or her dad trying to understand exactly what God looks like as a good Father.  He or she may keep trying to approach God as the Father whose love they have to earn, not as the Father who stands, watching and waiting day after day for His wayward child to return home so He can hug him and kiss him and forgive him before having an amazing party (Luke 15:11-32).

We’re all thinking different things in our hearts (Proverbs 23:7, NKJ).  That we’re winners who are capable of much . . . or that we’re losers who will never amount to much.  Or maybe we think about how we’re loved by an amazing God . . . or we think we’ve disappointed Him too many times.   It could be we’re thinking our dreams are good and right and doable . . . or that they’re selfish and wrong and not worth much of anything. 

Come again, Chief?

And people can say all the best things, the most encouraging and right and true things, but we’re not hearing them.  Not really.  There’s too much static coming over the line.  But (thankfully, mercifully) God is patient, His Word is sure and true and He does not lie. I keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11-15a, and with each reading it is etched deeper into my heart and gains more volume over the static of the noise that would try to convince me otherwise:

I know what I’m doing.  I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 

When you call on Me, when you come and pray to Me, I’ll listen.

When you come looking for Me, you’ll find Me.

Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”  GOD’s Decree.

I’ll turn things around for you.

~ The Message (emphasis added)

Amen and amen.

Star Gazing

For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.

--Vincent van Gogh

It’s easy, I think, to dream things for one’s life, to make a list of things to do and things to pursue and such.  But as I’m sure many can attest to, it’s quite another thing to get out there and realize one’s dreams, to help bring them to fruition in the here and now.

I look at where I actually am with certain things compared to where I thought I could be at one time or another, and I realize I’d like to move directly from ‘dreams’ to ‘reality’ in a transport of some sort (Beam me up, Scotty).  Lets just bypass the drudgery, the dips and the hard work to get from A to B, shall we?  Wouldn’t that be more fun?  (Now, I’ve never said that is what I’d like to do in so many words.  But my actions (or lack thereof) certainly do indicate that is a desire of mine on some level.)

But life and even fiction rarely work that way.  More often than not, there are countless hours of work logged in by an ‘overnight success’, hours of practice put by the ‘musical prodigy’, many sketches and rough drafts preceding the finished work of an artist and a writer.  Van Gogh didn’t just look at the stars and dream – he painted them in swirls of colour and feeling.  Charles Dickens didn’t merely think it would someday make a neat story to write about an old miser whose worldview is changed courtesy of three spirits who visit him one cold Christmas Eve – he wrote A Christmas Carol.  Nor did Beethoven think a handful of notes would one day make a nice ditty – he wrote his Fifth Symphony.

So I don’t want to leave tales of Plot Ninjas, high school teachers, or time travellers to languish on hard drives, in binders, and on various scraps of paper.  Nor do I want to keep dwelling in the past or ‘playing it safe’ and end up missing out on what God is doing now and what He’s got planned for the future.  It’s time to move past a simple recitation of Philippians 4:13 and get to putting it into practice.  I don’t know it all, and it may very well be there are dreams I will need to let go of and others that need to be tweaked or completely overhauled.  But that’s okay.  God promises in Psalm 32:8 that He will guide us along the best pathway for our lives, that He will advise and watch over us.  It’s up to me to either go where He leads or to fight Him like a stubborn mule (v. 9).  But if I go His way, it’s going to be wild, it’s going to be great, and it’s going to be full of Him. Ü

No Direction . . . Yet

“He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher . . .

or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.”

~Douglas Adams

I do not know the context of the above quote from author Douglas Adams (of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” fame), but it struck me as amusing along with having a ring of truth to it.  Because who hasn’t, at one time or another, heard from other people or even from your self why a dream you have won’t come to be?  The dissenting voice could be a pessimist believing they’re ‘just being realistic’; it could be your own memories reminding you of all the times you tried and failed (or all the opportunities you missed); or it could be you hearing someone saying something they may not actually mean at all. 

Or you may be in a room full of people sharing dreams about doing all kinds of great, big things for God (missions, helping hurting people, living an impactful life, etc.) and you’re sitting there, avoiding making eye contact with the person leading the meeting, so you won’t (pleaseohplease) be asked to share your dream which sounds small and frivolous in comparison to the dreams of the people around you.  Because really, who cares if you write a silly little fictional story about a high school teacher or a fellow who works with Plot Ninjas or a time traveler?  Really, what does it matter, what sort of an impact can such a thing make in the light of eternity?  And is it merely your dream, the dream of your grandiose self?  Is it a ‘decoy dream’ to keep you from what God really wants you to do?   Or has the dream been given God’s stamp of approval and you think you’ve wasted too much time and too many opportunities, that the ship in question has sailed and it’s not turning around for you?

It’s times like this when I either a) quit thinking about my dreams altogether because I’m giving myself a pretty massive headache, b) take it to God and ask Him to basically spell it out for me because I just want to know, or c) do ‘b’ followed by ‘a’ so I don’t then talk myself out of hearing from God.

Yeah . . . as you may have gathered, none of those options are working out for me.  And I’d like to say I have some ‘magic formula’ or Scripture reference that has plopped into my mind to help me see the first steps out, but instead I am, honestly, going to have to leave it at this for the time being:

Dropped It

I have a memory of walking through a parking lot with my mom and younger sister when we were all a fair spot younger than we are now.  All of us had just got an ice cream cone, but as it happens with many kids with many ice cream cones the world over, my younger sister's treat fell on the ground and quickly began to melt on the hot asphalt.  Understandably, she was not amused.  It is never a happy thing to lose a treat, to drop something you were looking forward to having and enjoying.

This memory bubbled up after I came across the following quote today: 

No expectations leads to no disappointment.  

Really?  That is a good outlook to have on life?  Expect nothing?  And then have no disappointments?  But then I take the time to look back on this day in particular, and the disappointments that have coloured and shaded aspects of it (all due to poor decisions on my part), and I do wonder if I had not gone into the day with any expectations of what I would accomplish, if I would not have been disappointed by what I failed to accomplish. 

No expectations . . . no disappointments.

Yet . . . does it not also hold that no expectations indicate there are no goals . . . no hopes . . . no dreams?  Imagine going through life with nothing to look forward to, to anticipate like an ice cream cone on a hot summer's afternoon.  

Pretty bleak, isn't it?

I will agree, though, it is the pits to have something you were looking forward to fall out of your hand to the ground, ruined and never to be savoured or enjoyed.  I will not say life is without its disappointments.  But there is One who has the remedy, who can take our disappointments and bring something good out of them (Romans 8:28).  And He made a pretty spectacular promise way before He sent His Son to die for our sins and open the door once again to an eternal relationship with Him should we choose to accept His invitation and cross that threshold: 

"Do not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert."

~ Isaiah 43:18, 19 (NKJ)

God isn't promising a life without disappointments, missed opportunities or setbacks.  He knows we're not going to 'get it right' every time.  That's why He says He will set it right.  Lost in the wilderness of the mess you've made?  He'll make a road to help you get out of it.  Wandering lost in the dry heat of the desert, ready to collapse?  He'll make rivers -- not just a river, but rivers.

My sister shed tears over the loss of her ice cream cone.  But they didn't stick around for long as our mom, without any hesitation, gave sis her ice cream cone.   And the melting ice cream was given nary a second glance.

That's how things can be for us, too, if we'll take what God gives us to replace that which now lies behind us.  A road in a wilderness, rivers in a desert, and an ice cream cone on a hot summer's day.