It's interesting how since I've started thinking about how to live deliberately, about doing things on purpose with a purpose rather than watching life amble on by how disorganized I've become. Okay, it's not a 'oh look -- a shooting star' type of discovery. I've been this way for a long while. But my awareness of it is on hyper-drive, and, as is my tendency, I'm overwhelmed by it all. It's in the back of my mind that I have to be able to sort through my house, sort through the files on my computer, etc. right this very minute and it all has to be done today. If everything cannot be accomplished in one fell swoop, in one day, then what's the point of starting?
I never said it was logical.
So for the past couple of weeks I've been rushing to get out the door more often than not. Various piles are squatting in various parts of my home and the cat is doing daily battle with the dust bunnies. (Cat - 5, dust bunnies - 1.) And I seem to finally find my groove ten minutes before I need to be somewhere else.
I was whining to God about it on my way to work earlier this week. "I feel," I recall saying, "like I"m in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by a shipwreck, and I'm somehow expected to rebuild the whole ship in the ocean, but all my tools have sunk to the bottom. (God may have chuckled at my dramatics.) Yes, I was feeling particularly adrift at that point and I was tired of bottling it all up. On the plus side, I made myself laugh with said dramatics and was feeling considerably less tense by the time I pulled into the parking lot at my workplace. I was also reminded I don't have to 'fix' everything in the time it takes to snap my fingers. Nor can I.
What I can do is this: I can stop, take a deep breath, and sort out where I go from here. God knew before I was even born I would be at this exact point at this exact time. He's not sitting on His throne, mouth agape in surprise at any of this while wondering if there is any hope of His will actually being done in my life. Nor does He expect me to change or fix things all on my own (as much as I stubbornly keep trying to do just that).
So I will stop. I will breathe deeply in and slowly out. And I will, with God, sort out where I go from here and keep on forging ahead.
Stalwart walks in step with GOD;
his path blazed by GOD, he's happy.
If he stumbles, he's not down for long;
GOD has a grip on his hand.
- Psalm 37: 23-34 (Message)